Coding, Managing and Christianity

EMails and hurt feelings

For the last two years I organized a monthly breakfast for the men who lead small groups in our fellowship. Back then there was not a lot of opportunity for the leaders to meet, have fellowship and talk about what is going on. Since then several other opportunities to meet have been created and the interest in the breakfasts was declining. It was increasingly difficult to find volunteers to host, lead any discussions or sometimes even find a suitable date. It got somewhat of a nuisance for me, but something I still could easily do and was willing to do.

I raised the issue of declining interest with several of the men and their view of the situation was very much in line with mine. Sometimes routines, as standing meetings, outlive their purpose and it becomes time to stop doing it. Declutering the calendar every so often is as important as decluttering the house to make room for something new. However, most often we don’t question our routines, because they are comfortable and in turn may miss opportunities to do something instead that is more effective . I like John Maxwell’s idea of an annual retrospective to see what activities of the prior year he should stop, do more or less of, and what would make sense to add.

After our conversations one of the men raised it in an email to the group and I appreciated his initiative. Then one expressed his disagreement. So far no problem, but then he wrote “If organizing is a burden, let’s use another ones gift” and I got angry. He didn’t even bother to mention my name. I felt disrespected and unappreciated. It took me a while to get over my initial rage. I had plenty of imaginary conversations and at least one angry email draft, where I was ready to point the shortcomings of the other person I perceived. Some may say “What is the big deal?” and objectively it is not a big deal at all, but it affected me at the moment.

The email draft was the first thing that had to go into the trash bin. It was useful to write a draft to articulate and vent my frustration, but I didn’t even write it in my email app as a safeguard against sending it by mistake. I’m in the middle of reading “Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age” by Sherry Turkle. In the chapter about Romance it says the following, but it applies to all relationships:

Digital exchanges disinhibit when love might be better served by tact. Adam says that online messaging “allows you to be slightly warmer than in real life.” And then he adds that it also allows you to be “slightly crueler” as well.

The bottom line is that email, or any form of electronic exchange is just a difficult medium when it comes to non-transactional exchanges, because it cuts out all non-verbal cues. The bible also says “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of." (Luke 6:45). A 21st century adaption could be “For the email or text speaks….". We are sinful beings and it is just easier to be cruel or hurtful in digital media.

One of the things I find most effective to get over my aggravation is remembering Philippians 4:8-9 and to think about things that are good about a person or situation. It just helps with to put things n perspective and also reminds me to have compassion for others, try to see things from their point of view, to help each other grow, and most importantly to forgive, if there is anything to forgive.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Phil 4:8-9)

I still have to have a conversation with this brother to point out the impact of his email on me, but I’m resolved to stick to the facts and my feelings. No conjecture, no judgments. Let’s see how well I do with that. I’m fairly confident that it will go ok. If not, I have something else to think about and perhaps even write about.