Coding, Managing and Christianity

Equifax the second

Last time I wrote about Equifax and the ownership of data. Since then the CEO of Equifax and two other executives left, but it already got quieter while the news moved on to Trump’s Twitter battle with the NFL. I’m not sure what is more sad. Anyways, the ideas about ownership of data and digital freedom come mostly from Doc Searls, who writes the EOF column at the Linux Journal.

Enough digressions and back to the topic… When I sat down to put the credit freezes on file a few weeks ago I was not only frustrated about the process or the state of our digital freedom. I was also angry. Anger was the second state and preceded by feeling a victim. I was thinking things like

• Why is that so hard?
• Why do I have to spend my precious time doing this freezes?
• Poor me, being at the mercy of cyber criminals and powerful corporations

I’m exaggerating a bit, but you get the gist. Some people have the tendency to assume a victim role and I can be one of them. However, I don’t like the state and it usually doesn’t last too long, before I move on to become angry. I become a Persecutor. And there is also the role of Rescuer. Lynne Forrest has this great article The Three Faces of Victim – An Overview of the Drama Triangle, which talks about the triangle with Persecutor and Rescuer on the top, above victim.

It then goes on to explain that people have a starting gate position on which they enter the triangle most often,which is also how they see themselves in life. Once they are on the triangle they can move to different positions, like the victim who can’t handle any longer how inadequate he is, so he turns into Persecutor. Or the Rescuer who starts to feel sorry for herself and falls into the role of victim.

Like a hurricane that this fueled by warm water of the tropical sea, the engine of the drama triangle is shame that propels us around. Persecutor and Rescuer are just extreme forms of victim hood, moved there by shame.

It is also important to remember, that Rescuer and Persecutor are overemphasized, or rather distorted expressions of good qualities, like empathy, compassion and the desire to help in the case of the Rescuer. Or a sense of justice, being a protector, assertive and decisive for a Persecutor. It can also be said that the Rescuer embodies more feminine qualities, where the Persecutor exhibits male qualities.

Lynne’s article helped us a lot to understand the dynamics that were going on in our marriage for a while. My wife, as always, was already light years ahead of me in intuitively understanding what was going on, but Lynne’s article gave us the vocabulary and helped us to clearly see and articulate the dynamics. I learned to be a victim, because I experienced mercy and compassion from the women in my life. In settings where this isn’t appropriate, like work, I turn to Persecutor and try to control the situation through being assertive.

I try to fight victim hood by being authentic. I try to express my original feelings, before they have been distorted by judgments I make and stories I tell myself. It is difficult, because it is so second nature. I also remind myself of 1 Peter 5:5-6:

In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 1 Peter 5:5‭-‬6 NIV

Being a victim is just a form of pride - “Poor me. I don’t deserve this”. If I can get over the pride, I can see just my feelings without the judgments and the stories.